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| "A person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." -Dune
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| For those whom I kept closest, and try to keep close, I love you all. You've given me more then someone like me could ask for. | | |
| Sometimes I wish things had ended two years ago. This year has been the saddest year in my life. Growing up is depressing. This post, and my mind, is a mishmash of ideas and thoughts. Everyone knows where this ends. Richard is leaving to France, I'm going back to UBC and to Ashly. She's all I have left aside from family that's truely close to me. Jon is with Becky, Liz has Ted. Richard will undoubtedly detach from Winnipeg and everything in it. We will all drift apart. We'll put the effort in to get together no doubt, to keep in touch, as it were. But it will all be fractured. Some of us maybe even won't. We all have our own seperate lives. Things just don't mesh as they used to. No longer can we afford to share all of our precious deep and beautiful moments with multiple people. There just isn't enough time. I've heard all the excuses. Work, alone time with that special person, just bing tired. I've used some of the same excuses. Doesn't make them any less depressing.
These last few years, Richard has been the glue that holds us together. For that I thank him. Without him, none of us would have made the effort to stay close. Say what you will, you know it's true. Liz has already given up on me. She told me herself. Try as I might, call me weak, I'm having serious problems trying to reforge bonds with someone who doesn't really need you, and won't put in the effort. Don't take this personally Liz, you have way more on your plate then anyone should have to deal with. I'm just saying the facts.
Hilariously enough, Ted is the most comforting person to me right now. We've always kept at a relative distance. Having our close moments over Msn, still remaining good friends over the years. Ted is the only friend I've kept for the longest time. I'm sure he knows what's happening. Hell, he's smarter then us all, knew it before all of us. Probably avoided all this trouble and pain by never getting too close to any of us but Liz. Whether or not it was a good choice remains undecided. Still, you've probably been consistently there for me more then anyone these past years Ted, which I really appreciate. Always helped me to take a good outside look at myself.
But where does this end one might ask? With Richard gone, and myself as well? Jon, Liz and Ted won't have much reason to hang out. Jon's already spending most of his time with Becky as is. I'd do the same in his situation. Liz and Ted are just plain close. Everyone will have their buddies. We probably won't reach the same closeness in friends ever again. Time just doesn't allow for it without major sacrifices. None of which we're all willing to make. Sure, we can share close moments, but there's always that block that comes with not having spent large amounts of time with someone. You never really anything done, just brush across it lightly like wind through a paintbrush. To add to this, I have to deal with leaving my family, but that really isn't for here. I'll use my actual journal for that one.
Funny I should mention it, I bought it last year, but I never get around to writing in it. There's been times, many times when I've had something to write. To fill its pages with my heart and soul. But try as I might, I'm always denied my glory because of that damnable first page. The first page sets the whole tone for the book, the beginning of a journey through my life. And I can't decide which first sentence to use. I know that once I wrote that first sentence, I'd fill the book in a matter of days. I love to write. I love to read. I love myself. Yet this year has been sadly devoid of such loves.
Having used this year to learn life's lessons, knowing that I have many more to learn, I find myself wondering where I'll go. What life will bring to my plate, the choices I'll make. But now, for certain, I know that I want to meet it head on. It's easy to pussyfoot through life, avoiding choices, taking risks. Everyone does it to a certain extent. But i'm tired of that. With that kind of road, you lose the things most important to you, the connections you make, the intimacy inherent in all aspects of life. I know i'm becoming more metaphoric and vague as I go on, as these concepts are hard to put into words, you have to experience them, and through that you know them. And while typing this, I know that endless people have thought the same things, asked the same questions. What makes me different? Why should my ramblings and restating of the obvious be so important. Where you go in life with these thoughts is what makes you different. Everyone's life follows a different path. Everyone takes these lessons in a different light, uses them, follows them, ignores them, in a different way. I just hope that in my future I can die happy with myself and what I've done. Not achieving that is far, far worse then death itself.
I had so much more to write about, but now the moment is passed and I am left with shards of poorly explained thoughts. So I ask you, people who read my xanga, how are you coping with losing parts of your soul. Even those who barely know me, it doesn't need to involve me in the slightest. Have you already lost them? Or did you never have them in the first place? Do you even realize your slow drift away from your past, or is it just a constantly shifiting tapesty with no solidity.
-Mark Olson | | |
| Huzzah! I know how to work this fandangled HTML now! Also, I've been thinking, since I'm absolutely hopeless at writing (read: finishing) my letters I keep telling i'm sending you guys, i'm going to start posting on xanga in order to get the general news out of the way. That way I'll be able to send short (read: 2 pages long) letters about the specific stuff to each person.
That way everyone will be happy and bunnies and rainbows will shoot out everywhere. Yes I am a nerd for listening to what I'm listening too, but hey, it's good music. Helped me through a rough time which most of you probably know nothing about. There's so much I have to tell you all, and it's a scant 11 days away. Needless to say I've changed for the better and found myself. And then, out of nowhere, this turned into an actual post. Guess i've had tons on my mind lately, and Ashly's getting a little sick and tired of hearing all my ramblings.
So, where to begin? At about the middle of October to the beginning of November I started going through an identity crisis. This things been building up ever since I left for UBC for the first time. You never know how much you love everything about a place until you leave it. In this case, it took me nearly a year to realize it. Sure, I was homesick at the beginning, but it really doesn't hit you until you've been gone for an extended period of time. I miss everything about Winnipeg. Don't get me wrong, Vancouver is great, but it's in a different way then Winnipeg. Vancouver is full of exotic places and things, new experiences, and random adventures. So many diverse people, and I'm not talking about race, but rather on outlooks. There's so many extremely different types of people here, compared to Winnipeg, where people are different, but they all have something that seems essentially Winnipegery to me. I like that. Everyone here seems....like they're a stranger to Vancouver. They don't have their own "place", but rather just use Vancouver as somewhere to crash for the night (read: life). Maybe it's just me being the stranger, but something inherently feels different about the way people feel about Vancouver.
But enough tangenting. I grew to miss everything, driving down Portage, just dropping by to relax with Richard or other friends. Biking to the park near Anna's, listening to music as I sit on the bench thinking about life, reading in the wind and picking up my yellow wiffle ball. I miss every part of it, and the summer only made that worse. I'm a prarie boy, and I always will be. Here everyone is doing something, and something always has to be done. Even when people are doing nothing. I know I'm generalizing, but it's the vibe I get here. Maybe I'm just idealizing the past due to insecurities about the massive changes in my life, which comes to my original point. The identity crisis. I suddenly realized that I don't know what I want out of life. Who I wanted to be, what I wanted to become, everything became uncertain. I've always been headstrong, confident, and sure of myself, so this scared me quite a bit. I was even depressed for a little while, lonely in my room. My only solace was with Ashly, who, after 1 year, 1 month, 1 week, and 1 day, my love has only grown stronger. We've had some rough times, but everytime things have gone wrong we've always worked to make them better. That my friends, is true ideal love. Love may be perfect, but life and people aren't, so perfection is found in your ability to deal with things together, and to be patient and forgiving.
But I digress again. The uncertainty was driving me crazy, and people were noticing it. I became slightly withdrawn, and lost myself in a variety of pointless activities. Sure, I was still working at school, but there was no reason behind it. I began exploring other class options, thinking that my uncertainity towards the future was caused by a wrong choice of subject. Don't worry, I love psychology now more then ever. I found some other interesting subjects to try out, but it wasn't the reason. To pull out some psychology terms, I was experiencing cognitive dissonance. Basically, I didn't like who I was turning into, and it was causing me great distress. For those of you who saw me alot over the summer, I was a huge ass. I'll admit it, I was a shitty person alot of the time. I just felt out of place, and didn't know what to do with myself. And that's what helped to cause this, I was turning into someone selfish, when I lost myself, my mind went into damage control mode, and I began slipping. I made some stupid mistakes, and at times I even put my own desires ahead of other peoples needs in order to find where I belonged. This would continue on when I got back to Vancouver. It didn't hit me until I noticed exactly how much people needed me to be there for them, and I wasn't. Everyone who knows me knows that I can't stand it when someone needs something, and I have to do my best to give it to them. I was going against that core part of myself, and it caused me more trouble and pain then I could imagine. It's interesting, my lack of belonging from moving around so much turned into a lack of belonging in myself. So I finally realized how much I've failed to do.
The only person who didn't suffer because of this was Ashly, because nothing in me is stronger then my feelings toward love. My friends here in BC noticed though, but instead of confronting me about it, something stranger happened. One night we were playing DnD in November, and things were falling apart. We had only gotten together a few times before, and even then it was only to play more DnD. Our connections from last year had been lost over the summer, and many issues remained unresolved. People had changed in many ways, some were involved in relationships, some started partying and smoking and enjoying popularity, some felt alone and some was having internal struggles. We always hid from it behind pointless activities, and we kept cracking. Things would slip in conversation, and we'd fight against hiding for a short while. Needless to say, this caused alot of conflict. So finally, on this night, I let my issues out. I expected people to be surprised, and then supportive. That's exactly what happened, but I wasn't expecting them to let out all their own identity issues. Apparently all of my friends, including Ashly, were going through the same problems. I left that night surprised, but I became even more shocked when I found that the exact same thing was happening to many people back home. A few days and many more coincidences later, it surprised me that almost EVERYONE I knew was going through some form of identity crisis.
After talking with my parents for days on end, I came to two conclusions. One, that something needed to be done. Two, that my parents love me alot and that my family is so very important. Those conversations showed me how much my parents knew me, loved me, and understood me, even though I never expected it that much. They listened, gave advice, and told me about their own problems which I helped with. I know that they'd be there for me no matter what happened, and that kind of security you just don't find very often in this world. I can't stress how much love I feel for my family lately, words don't really do it. To be fair, it's probably compounded by being away from them for the longest time ever, but still, it really changed my view.
Back to something needing to be done, after a day of intense thought and deconstruction, I realized that really, nothing mattered except the essence of self and others. Nothing teaches you more about yourself then a breaking down of all your social constructs. Social embarassment, hedonistic desires, they all didn't matter. All my ways of passing the time were hollow, nothing really fulfills and makes you feel good about yourself then helping someone else, in any way or form. I once spent an hour on different occasions holding doors open for people. For no reason but I wanted to make their day that much easier. My work in the cafeteria serving people and talking to them really made me feel good, I loved crackin jokes and making em laugh and feel good. It really helped me find who I wanted to be. Really, all that mattered was the essense of self, others, and helping those others to create the most happiness possible. Possesions lost their glint of preciousness (not to say I don't love playing Zelda on my Wii, but I won't hesitate to abandon it to talk or help people). I know it sounds kinda Buddhist, but still, it was an important realization for me.
Now, I'm feeling much better about myself, and slowly digging my way back out of the hole I've put myself in. I couldn't feel better about the future now, I know that I'll be ready for it when it comes, and I know I can always rely on family, Ashly, and friends to catch me when I fall. I only hope that I can give that same security back to my friends again, both those in and out of Vancouver. Speaking of friends, I've really been thinking about alot of people back home in Winnipeg that I never made the effort to spend time with, even though I always missed them. I always wanted to do things with them, but once again I was hurt and concern with self stabilization, so I never made the effort to do things with them. People like Paul, Elizabeth, and many, many others I never or hardly saw over the summer. I saw them really close to the time before I left, and it made me realize how much I missed out on.
I cannot wait until the evening of the 19th (I forget the exact time at this moment), when I finally get back in Winnipeg and can see everyone again as a stable me. I'm running out of time, so I'll have to end this soon. If there's one thing I learned from this entire experience, is that it's always worth the effort to go that extra step with someone. I'm not just talking relationship wise, but anything. The rewards, or lessons learned are more valuable then anything else in this world.
Man though, in more trivial matters, this week has been terrible. I've been low on sleep, constantly doing schoolwork, dealing with stress, having migranes, having ear infections, and generally just being bogged down. I guess in a way this post is a result of my dealing with stress. Even the awesomeness of Zelda hasn't helped to soothe my nerves. I've never really had much time to do anything out here, i've missed out on movies, parties, and experiences because of being so lost. I miss good old times with pals hanging out. It's been so long since I just had the time to take a long pointless walk and listen to music. Ah well, hopefully this Christmas break will give me time to do just that, but I have a feeling that I'll be busy spending time with friends and family. I think I'll have time for one day off though. This whole semester has been filled with way too much thinking. I need a break heh. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this short romp through my mind lately, I better go finish some more work in the hopes that I'll be able to relax later. Enjoy life.
-Mark Olson | | |
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Basically I'm hopeless at html and it refuses to work. I decided to do that crazy quiz and I got what I thought I would. Back in Winnipeg on the 19th. Hopefully I'll be ready.
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